Cat Plans

Found this schedule taped to the wall next to our cats’ feeding dishes.

8:00am – Sit in the middle of the pile of rumpled blankets & sheets while humans try to make the bed. Jump down thirty seconds after they give up.

8:15am – Start begging for wet food as soon as female human stands up. Continue throughout the day every time she rises or glances toward the kitchen.

8:30am – Sit just outside bathroom door while humans shower. Attempt to trip them as they leave the bathroom.

8:45am – Follow female human into the bedroom after her shower & roll around on her clean bare feet to restore her proper cat smell.

9:00am – Use the litter box, taking care to kick a substantial amount of litter & a couple of turds out of the box onto the floor.

9:10am – Nap #1. Try to nap on every exposed piece of fabric in the house at some point during the day to spread the cat hair around. Pay special attention to formal clothing laid out for special occasions.

10:30am – Leave bite marks on every potted plant in the house & dig some of the soil out of the planters for better aeration.

11:00am – Eat food too fast. Throw up on carpet, preferably in a spot where humans will overlook it until they step in it. Beg for more food.

12:00pm – Nap #2.

3:00pm – Stand guard at front window to survey the domain for birds, squirrels, and enemy cats. If any of these are spotted, chirp in fear, longing, or fury, as appropriate to the situation.

3:35pm – Retrieve one of the 500 wadded up paper balls under the sofa & bat it around. Deposit used ball in water dish after playing.

3:50pm – Litter box again. Track some of the litter onto the hall carpet to give the humans something to clean.

4:00pm – Nap #3.

5:30pm – Run & hide from the vacuum. You know where.

6:00pm – Beg for food while humans are making family dinner. Sit and stare at them while they eat, following each bite from plate to mouth with your eyes.

7:00pm – Household chores/homework time. Help with laundry by laying across folded piles to keep them warm. If any human is using a computer, walk across the keyboard several times so they can get done faster.

7:15pm – Meow & meow & meow & meow & meow & meow & meow & meow & meow to let the humans know it’s playtime. Playtime isn’t over until you say it’s over.

9:00pm – Curl up on human’s lap, make biscuits, purr, and remind them how adorable you are & how sad they would be without you. Suckers. Nap #4.

11:00pm – Now that you’re fully rested, wait until humans go to bed, then race through the house as if running from angry bees. Do some cat vs. cat sparring. Try to make this exercise session last past midnight.

12:15pm – Jump up on the bed and pretend to settle down for sleep on human’s legs. After five minutes, begin self-grooming so aggressively the bed shakes; continue for half an hour.

3:00am – Poke around the house until you find one thing you can push over that will make a crashing sound. Picture frames and knick-knacks are great for this. Once humans leave the bed to investigate the noise, come back and claim the warm spot. Go back to sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow.

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